Flirting FOR DUMmIES ‰ by Elizabeth Clark 7Summits Flirting For Dummies® Published by John Wiley & Sons, Ltd The Atrium Southern Gate Chichester West . Many people are mortified by their flirting skills and get flustered when dealing with people they're attracted to. This easy-to-follow manual to mastering the art of . Elizabeth is the founder of Rapport Unlimited- a company specialising in presentation skills training and keynote speaking. Download Flirting For Dummies pdf.
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Many people are mortified by their flirting skills and getflustered when dealing with people theyre attracted to. Thiseasy-to-follow manual to mastering the art of . Download Flirting for Dummies by Elizabeth Clark PDF. By Elizabeth Clark. Many folks are mortified by way of their flirting abilities and get flustered whilst facing. Flirting For Dummies pdf - Elizabeth Clark. Elizabeth is a stranger on working the break availiable in dating scene and white. This might appear unnerving I was.
Why not use that figure as a target to improve your flirting? For great flirting results, look to hit 10 per cent of your flirting opportunities with an eyebrow flash, smile, and greeting in your first few days. If you have ten opportunities a day, a 10 per cent improvement means you have to connect with just one person. Scale of risk. Once you find flashing, smiling, and greeting comfortable, set yourself more advanced targets, such as: Head to Chapter 8 for details on making conversation with anybody.
Chapter 13 tells you how. Reading the flirting thermometer A scale of flirting hotness exists. If you go in too hot too quickly, you may come across as over-eager. Mastering the scale helps you recognise when someone is having a flirtation with you and also enables you to give them the right signs back to ensure your flirtation goes down smoothly. Figure shows the hotness scale, along with references to chapters where you can find out more: This level can and should be applied to every person you meet, regardless of age or gender.
Playing it cool means applying the basics to let someone know that you like them — smiling, eye contact, and the initial groundwork for a full-on flirt. Degrees of flirting. However, the women he dated never really made it into a proper relationship. They had one complaint in common: Dan was at a loss as to how to proceed until he discovered the flirting thermometer.
Using this guide, he increased his temperature for those women he really liked and looked for responsive changes in them. He also used it in his business relationships to ensure he projected the right signals to clients. Getting the hang of the flirting thermometer benefits all of your relationships. When you want to flirt with someone, think about where you fall on the scale and then consider where they are.
Chapter 11 covers how to use body language and Chapter 12 explains how to recognise signs of flirting. From the office to the bedroom, different things make each gender tick and trying to pretend otherwise is flirting suicide.
Embracing the differences and the common attributes is key to honing your flirting muscles. This chapter deals in generalities with gender-specific behaviour, and the premises made here are based on decades of scientific and occupational research.
Getting to Grips with Flirting Looking at the Different Perceptions of Flirting Apparently, 90 per cent of errors in thinking result from errors in perception. Whether you think someone is flirting with you or not is dependent on whether you perceive a look, comment, or action to be flirtatious in intent. Knowing how the different sexes approach flirting can help you get ahead in the game.
Being able to give clear signals that can be interpreted as the initiation of a flirtation decreases your risk of rejection because your attempts are going unnoticed and increases your chances of getting something going.
Those details provide the start of the flirting spectrum for each sex. Contrary to the animal kingdom, where often the females are dowdy and the colourful males provide the courtship displays, women are the sex generally expected to be made up attractively. Women generally feel more pressure to get their appearance right and hence put so much effort into planning and executing their look. A survey of mainly female office workers found that most of them spent over three hours planning their outfit for the Christmas party compared to less than five minutes considering lines of conversation.
Men, on the other hand, tend to believe that flirting starts the moment they open their mouth and issue a chat-up line. As men are often the ones making the first move, they can dread this point the most. You feel more positive about your flirting approach and create more successful outcomes.
He had fashionable tousled hair and casual but chic clothes. He also took himself off to the barber and returned with a conventional short haircut. What men and women find attractive Opposites attract, but often for the reasons you least expect! In my flirting seminars I play a game with the attendees whereby the men say what they like and dislike when they first meet a woman and then the women do the same.
Smile, eye contact, bottom, breasts, and legs are consistently the top of the head responses, which mirrors research on this subject. Looking and smelling good, high heels, long hair, nice nails, and being interested in them are also top answers. Having rich parents and owning a brewery have been cited as great — but not necessary — assets.
Facial hair, using a mobile phone during a conversation, and having a husband are top of the list of dislikes when a man first meets a woman. Recently single, she splashed out on a wardrobe of new clothes and shoes and a treasure trove of make-up.
After a few weeks she was a bit disappointed at her hit rate with the men and perplexed by the success of one of her friends. Karen came on my Open Flirting course and applied her knowledge of the opposite sex to modifying her evening wardrobe. She ditched the black and started wearing more shapely clothes.
When trying to impress a man, focus on what they generally like in a woman, rather than worry about what they dislike. Top of the dislikes were bad breath, body odour, arrogance, joke telling, superfluous hair nasal and ear hair and monobrows , and looking over their shoulder. Joke telling is often confused with being entertaining see Chapter 8 on following the rules on humour for more on how to avoid this flirting gaffe.
The following sections go into a bit more detail on how you can use this information to your advantage.
Getting visual Research shows that men are physiologically attracted. Wearing a demure black number makes you virtually invisible amongst every other woman with the same dress strategy. Black can cover a multitude of sins, but is a bad choice if it drops you off the radar.
Wearing colourful clothes to draw attention to your greatest assets or features is your best strategy. Kevin was the kind of guy who loved the sound of his own voice.
He dominated conversations and fancied himself as a bit of a charmer. He claimed to be very entertaining and interested in people, however an internal training seminar finally pinpointed his problem. He littered his conversations with jokes that people laughed politely at, whilst he smugly enjoyed his own joke-telling proficiency. Kevin was shocked at this insight into his behaviour.
He immediately started to listen to the answers to his questions and dropped the joke telling in preference to actually getting to know the people he was dealing with. He developed a genuine interest in people and the people around him responded positively; not only did he do more business, women were attracted and flattered by his interest in them.
Being interested in the people around you pays far bigger dividends than trying to be a clever conversationalist. A man needs to fill his space well and hold himself with confidence.
A shorter man with great posture is more attractive than a tall man with bad posture. So men, if you want to attract women, be confident and stand tall no matter your height. Assessing assets of the non-monetary kind Knowing the common assets is invaluable for building any kind of relationship, not just for flirting.
These assets can be used with both sexes to great effect. The top three common assets are: Getting to Grips with Flirting Desperately seeking. Fran had taken a teaching post on a remote island in Scotland. Having looked forward to the opportunity, she became increasingly frustrated by her non-existent love life.
The local men were thrilled at the prospect of a new woman on the island and fought fiercely for her attentions. However, Fran had a very specific picture of her Mr Perfect and none of the islanders came close. When she finally put her tick list for Mr Perfect to one side, she started to see the local guys in a whole new light. High or unrealistic expectations limit your options.
Displaying the common assets with everyone you meet, both socially and professionally, gains you a reputation for being friendly and approachable, and a genuinely likeable person. Considering Strategies for the Successful Flirt Parting with your preconceived ideas about flirting and who Mr or Miss Right should be can give you the opportunity to expand your flirting horizons, readjust your attitudes towards flirting, and try new strategies to improve your flirting success rate.
Just thinking or doing something differently can have a dramatically positive effect on your flirtatious encounters.
Looking beyond Mr or Miss Perfect Nothing is as futile, demoralising, or limiting to your flirting agenda as having a fixed idea of how your perfect partner should be. Grasping the Gender Gap and Other Strategies 41 Keeping an open mind allows you access to the biggest pool of potential flirtations. Keeping a list of undesirable features you wish to avoid for example, smoking, being selfish, or wanting to see more than one person is preferable to one of must haves when choosing people to flirt with.
Just remember to keep your list short. Rejecting the advances of someone without giving them a fair chance is a big mistake. See Chapter 11 for more tips on handling this tricky situation. Both attitudes present problems.
For the reserved flirt If your attitude towards flirting is to be very reserved, to the point of being misinterpreted as disinterested, you need to push your comfort zones to gain more success. Starting with rejection risk-free encounters, for example with people you come across in your everyday encounters, is the best approach. If your job involves meeting people, either internally or externally, make a point of being friendly to everybody.
Your confidence gets a great boost when you see the way they respond to your positive advances. Are you very charming or tactile, or do you use flirtatious body language? Rejection itself can be crippling when it happens to you, but the fear of rejection is even more destructive because it can actually paralyse you into inaction. That cold, gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach; a weakness in your limbs, a dryness in your mouth — fear feels horrible; it tests your comfort zones, and provokes a fight or flight response.
The temptation to run away or say nothing when you encounter someone you find attractive or meet a colleague at work in a superior position can be overwhelming.
Both genders experience this fear of rejection. Grasping the Gender Gap and Other Strategies 43 Always maximising your chances of acceptance to minimise your chances of rejection is the trick to overcoming this fear. Having a positive attitude also helps enormously with your success rate. Head to Chapter 15 for advice that can help you never again worry about being rejected. Making flirting easy to spot The key to starting a flirtation is making it easy to spot.
Make sure that the person you want to flirt with can see that your behaviour with them is different to the behaviour you demonstrate to the other people around them. Chapter 10 covers how to give off the right signals. For example, when making eye contact, look at them for longer than you would look at other people in the room, smile more at them than at the other people around you, have a smaller proximity between you than with others, and so on.
Chapter 5 offers plenty of makeover ideas. Dressing for success makes you feel more confident and is much more likely to bring you flirting success. It can be misinterpreted as disinterest. Chapter 9 offers lots of ideas on using compliments.
Practise paying compliments daily, to friends, relatives, and colleagues, to master the art of delivering them with ease. Getting to Grips with Flirting Backfiring compliments I was running a seminar for a large bank recently and in the break was inundated with questions from the delegates.
Most people joined in the conversation, but I could see a guy out of the corner of my eye loitering on the periphery. Eventually he pushed into the group, sidled up, and complimented me on having great shoes. I was mortified that he would insult my lovely shoes in such a juvenile way. Italians, for example, flirt with everyone, from their friends to their partner to their grandmother. You can flirt with anyone: But how do you go about flirting with friends and colleagues without making existing relationships feel awkward?
This chapter gives the details. Flirting with Friends Flirting with friends is a natural and enjoyable behaviour. Two types of flirting with friends exist: They got to know each other well over the course of a few days and were quite inseparable. Both were married and had children and they shared similar values. In reality, however outrageously they appeared to flirt with each other, there was no intention on either part for it to be anything more than friendly. A certain security existed in the fact that they were both happy in their respective relationships, and by hanging out together they were safe from the advances of delegates with less honourable intentions.
Flirting harmlessly with married people is perfectly acceptable provided the feelings and intent are mutual. Flirting with friends paves the way for developing positive relationships, making new friends, and potentially moving the relationship beyond friendship to romance.
The following sections explain how to get the basics right. Friendly flirting Friendly flirting consists of smiling, making good eye contact, and showing interest in other people — the common assets for both sexes mentioned in Chapter 3. This type of flirting is suitable for both sexes and all ages. Telling if someone is just being friendly is relatively straightforward. Adopt friendly flirting as your general approach to everyone. This type of flirting prepares your flirting skills for the more advanced flirting techniques when you want to bag a date.
Flirting with intent: Flirting with Friends, Dates, and Colleagues 47 motive behind their actions. This intention is hormone-fuelled, and being able to tell when this is happening is useful for either progressing a relationship or avoiding leading that person on. People who flirt with intent do more than simply smile, make good eye contact, and show an interest. Watch for these behaviours: Checking for the behaviours in this list or, in other words, deciding whether she is demonstrating more than just smiling, good eye contact, and an interest in you is a prudent move to make.
These behaviours are also different to their behaviour towards the other people around you. See Chapter 12 for more on how to read flirting signals.
People who like or are in tune with you mirror your body language. For example, if the other person crosses their leg towards you, and you mirror them, you cross your leg towards them.
Not only is friendship good for the soul, it bestows considerable health benefits, too. Some of your best memories and most cherished moments involve friends. Your friends may also provide a delicately balanced system for nurturing each other. These are the benefits you have to weigh up when considering risking converting a friend to a lover. He actually fancied her as much as she secretly lusted after him.
Once Candy got over her initial shyness about flirting properly with him, the signals were clear for them both to see. Re-establishing your old relationship can be incredibly difficult. The following sections offer advice to help you navigate the move from the role of friend to something more. Things to consider include: Go to Chapter 5 for more information. Turning up dressed in your dog-walking outfit when going out for a drink confuses the situation.
Harry had always fancied Jane and saw this job as an ideal opportunity to get her to himself. They lived in a happy little commune with lots of international students and everyone mucked in with the chores.
Housemates kept enquiring as to the nature of their relationship. He issued Jane an ultimatum — lovers or nothing. Unfortunately for Harry, she chose nothing. She valued Harry as a friend but had never given him any indication that she wanted anything more.
Flirting for Dummies
If your attempts to move a relationship to a new level are ignored, declaring undying love is unlikely to give you the result you hoped for. Suddenly reverting to treating them the way you always have for example, by sitting at a distance and speaking to other people more confuses them. Keep a closer proximity and use more smiles, eye contact, and touching for them than for the rest of the group. Dithering on the border between friendly and romantic flirtation is confusing for everyone — friends and the object of your desire alike.
Let me take you out for a drink to cheer you up. Flirting with Dates Starting a flirtation with a potential date is different to flirting with friends. You have to start with a much stronger approach because you get less opportunity to form a first impression with a potential date than with a friend, and you need to make your intentions absolutely clear.
Chapter 11 offers lots of tips on how to read body language before you get going. You can show your intentions by doing things like dressing to impress, smelling great, looking confident, giving them your full undivided attention with great levels of eye contact, showing plenty of smiles, mirroring their body language, and touching intentionally.
See Chapter 11 for more info about body language. If you want to get to know someone gradually, pressing for a late night invitation back to their place is probably going to get you more than an offer of coffee. Alternatively, spending months being polite and waiting for an invitation to hold hands may also lead to a degree of frustration on both sides.
Flirting with Friends, Dates, and Colleagues 51 Commuter code Penny had seen Mike on the Tube several days a week for the last three weeks. He had a slightly aloof look about him and usually buried his nose in the paper during his journey.
Not wanting to miss her opportunity and keen to see if Mike was actually spoken for, Penny took decisive action. The next day, having dolled herself up, she positioned herself so that she faced him, and stared at his paper. When he dropped it to turn the page, he saw her staring at him. She looked away, then back again; he was still looking at her — he was interested! She looked away again and he carried on with his newspaper.
The next time he caught her eye when turning a page, she gave him a coy smile and in response he sat up straight and smiled back. She looked away again and he returned to his paper. The next time he dropped his paper, she could see him checking if she was looking, so she poked her tongue out. He laughed in surprise. As Penny left the train, she looked over her shoulder to see Mike catching up with her and she gave him a big grin and a cheery hello. They went out for a drink that night before taking the Tube home together.
Being brave in your actions will be rewarded. Being able to interpret reactions and intentions requires good observational skills on your part. Pay attention to the following: Remember to look for these clues in clusters of four or more. Chapter 11 has more on body language. Getting to Grips with Flirting Lucky pants Derek had been flirting gently with Sally for months in their local bars and clubs, but had never managed to move things on.
Sally was waiting for a definitive flirtation, aimed directly at her and without the confusion of not being able to tell if he was just being friendly or if he really fancied her. One Saturday night they must both have been in the same frame of mind. Sally applied her war paint immaculately, squeezed into her pulling dress and sprayed herself liberally with the perfume that made her feel at her sexiest.
Derek put on his lucky pants, splashed on some aftershave that his sister swore would make any woman weak, and headed into town. When Derek saw Sally, he congratulated himself on his decision to wear the lucky pants, as she was a picture and he intended to score. She fixed him with a look and he ignored all the other women he would normally speak to and made a beeline for her.
Derek and Sally finally got it together thanks to a decisive bit of action on both their parts. Whether your lucky pants set your mind to it or your favourite perfume, use something as the catalyst to keep you focused on displaying and following up your intentions.
Never base your decision on any one gesture in isolation. Flirting with Colleagues Most of us find our partner in the workplace. Whilst most companies shudder at the potential litigation prospects of a failed office romance, little can be done to stop them happening.
Flirting with unemployment: Avoiding accusations of sexual harassment — unwelcome and uninvited physical, verbal, or visual behaviour that is sexual in nature — is crucial but fraught with ambiguity. The older women were used to him creeping up and complimenting them over their shoulders.
Although they found this behaviour unnerving, Richard was essentially harmless and had never actually done anything more inappropriate to anyone. When Richard tried to make an impression on the new girl in the office, however, she took an instant dislike to him and found his approach offensive. She accused him of sexual harassment and reported him to human resources. Human resources pointed out to him that intention is irrelevant; how the recipient perceives his behaviour is what defines sexual harassment.
Luckily, Richard walked away with a warning and managed to keep his job. Following are important things to know: Or if a woman insists on touching colleagues or kissing people on greeting and a man finds this invasive or offensive, this too can be interpreted as sexual harassment. Many companies send their employees on sexual harassment courses; first, to educate staff on how to avoid it, and, second, to indemnify them against liability if someone who has been educated on the matter does actually commit a sexual harassment offence.
A sexual harassment conviction usually puts you straight to the top of the reject pile in the short-listing process. Flirting boundaries at work Flirting at work involves a slightly different strategy to flirting in a bar.
Whereas in a bar you initially assess all the people you find 7Summits 54 Part I: You can take two approaches: A combination of both approaches is very effective for grabbing attention in the office and turning the right heads. Alter your wardrobe, hairstyle, make-up, glasses, your posture, and even the way you initiate and conduct conversations and people will notice a change in you.
Chapter 5 has tips and advice for how to give yourself a DIY flirting makeover. Being more friendly Being friendlier is a great strategy for every aspect of your life. Smiling and making more eye contact are the keys to appearing more friendly.
Behaviour breeds behaviour and people who like you mirror your friendly actions. Adopting a friendly approach is a great way to attract a flirtation and to pick up more friends generally, especially as you age. Opportunities to make more friends decrease the older you get.
Head turner Claire had finished with her boyfriend and decided to advertise the fact with a radical makeover. She dyed her hair a gorgeous chestnut brown, which was fabulous, but sadly not on her. Everybody in the office noticed the change for the worse but said nothing. Eventually one of her friends had a quiet word and took her to her hairstylist. Claire returned a stunning redhead.
Gary had noticed both changes, but only ventured forth to comment after the second makeover. They began a very tentative and discreet flirtation in the office, which endured for some time before they were sure that an office romance was something they both wanted. They wanted to flirt more but not in the office. She organised a fund-raising hour bike ride, involving people from work and their friends. Preparation meant a gruelling schedule of training events and seeing lots of Ian outside work.
Not only did running this event improve her organisational skills, Jess also lost weight, made lots of new friends, and she and Ian were free to flirt outrageously on neutral ground.
If no events take place at work, organise one of your own! People are much more likely to like you if they think you like them. Similarly, if you feel uncomfortable, or suspect the other person would feel more comfortable continuing the flirtation without the obtrusive interest of your colleagues, take it outside the workplace.
You may not feel ready to ask them for a date, so picking an event when you can continue your flirtation in more appropriate circumstances is key to ramping up your flirtation. Most workplaces have social gatherings, informal events, or gettogethers. Some people dread these functions, but, like the lottery, you have to be in it to win it. If no events are planned, get yourself involved in workplace committees and propose an event yourself.
Making Contact 7Summits I In this part. Being confident is a game of two halves: In an ideal world, quickly fixing your inner confidence would be great.
This chapter gives you all the pointers you need to present a confident demeanour. So when it comes to confidence, fake it till you make it. Changing it to something that is appropriate for your personality, circumstances, and the style you wish to convey can be a massive boost to your 7Summits 60 Part II: Get Noticed!
Making Contact confidence in itself. The bulk of this chapter explains the various ways you can change your appearance, demeanour, and outlook to both build and project an aura of confidence. The following sections outline how to decide what type of image or style you want to adopt and tell you how to prioritise the changes you decide to make.
No right or wrong style exists. Different shapes, colours, styles, and textures work better for one body shape than for another. Determine your shape and style and dress to suit them and the image you wish to project. For expert advice you can: Visit www. Debenhams provides this service for free; others may charge. Choosing the areas to focus on Looking at the different aspects of your image and applying the They may see you in a different light.
Use Table , which lists ten areas of improvement, to determine what area can yield the most significant results. Follow these steps: Boosting Self-Confidence 61 1. Use each number only once. In the second column, do the same, with 1 representing the most significant in improving your makeover and 10 the least significant.
In the third column, multiply the two rows together. Pick the two areas with the lowest scores. These indicate what two items are the quickest to achieve with the biggest impact on your overall image. Making Contact Shopping bonus Louise was in her thirties. Waiting to see the shopper, Louise caught the eye of Mark, who was also about to have a style makeover. They made polite conversation as they waited, both aware of the reason for their visit, but neither mentioning it.
A few hours later, Louise and Mark emerged, clutching their new downloads and sporting a new look and air of confidence. Louise complimented Mark on his new appearance and he reciprocated. Making small changes can create big results and give you the confidence to behave differently and take more risks. More men than ever are having cosmetic surgery and enhancement, and from an earlier age, and grooming and antiageing products fly off the shelves in unprecedented volumes.
Having a lived-in face is no longer an indication of gaining wisdom with age; unfortunately, wrinkles and grey hair are seen as indications of being too lazy to care for your appearance. Prevention is better than cure when it comes to ageing. To look younger, you need to address the key areas of your eyes, teeth, skin, hair colour and style, and clothing. Boosting Self-Confidence 63 Down in the mouth Alice was a widow in her sixties.
When she unexpectedly came into some money, Alice decided to have her teeth straightened with braces. Eighteen months later, the braces were removed and, for maximum effect, Alice also had her teeth whitened. The result was astounding. People now react to the smiley Alice in a completely different way and she feels much more positive about herself, too.
Making yourself feel good by investing in your appearance is always worthwhile. Eyes People make their first contact with another person with their eyes. The eyes let the other person see how interested we are in them and play a vital part in communication. When giving your eyes a makeover, pay particular attention to these areas: Your brows frame your eyes; regardless of gender, they need to be well maintained and shaped. Men are no strangers to having their brows seen to these days, especially where monobrows — a single eyebrow that stretches from one eye to the other across the bridge of the nose — are concerned.
Get them shaped by a beautician and then you can pluck the stragglers yourself. Never shave excess hairs from the brow: Always wax or pluck.
Black bags under the eyes are terribly ageing. A concealer covers very dark circles and a light-reflecting concealer bounces back the light off you and makes your eyes look much younger.
Use an eye cream or gel for dark circles; the gentle massaging effect when applying it also helps drain excess fluid from the area. Treat wrinkles with an anti-wrinkle cream to plump out the skin and reduce their appearance.
Go to a beauty counter and ask for a demonstration on applying eye cream and a recommendation for a product for your eyes. Also try to avoid rubbing the delicate eye area; use a gentle patting motion instead.
If your eyes are dry from travelling or from too much VDU use, try using over-the-counter eye drops. Smile Ten years ago, nobody cared about the colour of your teeth, but now darker teeth are seen as very ageing. Make sure, at the very least, that your teeth are clean by visiting the hygienist every six months, and keep that cleanliness topped up with a whitening toothpaste.
A bright smile is very youthful. For professionally whitened teeth, avoid using a beautician and go to the dentist for a professional, longer-lasting result. To keep them extra luscious, exfoliate your lips once a week with a dab of Vaseline and a gentle rub with a toothbrush.
Skin Drinking lots of water, exfoliating once a week, using an ageappropriate moisturiser, and avoiding prolonged amounts of sunbathing are the biggest favours you can do your skin. Consider splashing out on a beauty counter product instead of a supermarket special; the exfoliating grains are much finer and the results more impressive. Boosting Self-Confidence 65 Head turner Anne had managed to get herself an appointment with one of the most sought-after hairstylists in town.
She took her sister, Paula, with her and warned her that whatever her hair looked like she had to say it was fantastic. Paula started to gush about how wonderful she looked, as instructed. Anne hissed at her to be quiet and dragged her out of the salon. After suffering a week of ridicule, Anne sought a recommendation for a hairdresser who would style her hair according to what suited her rather than simply follow the latest trend.
The next cut suited her to a tee thanks to a stylist who had a reputation for making people look good. When going for a radical change, make sure you pick a stylist that gives you what you want, not what they want. Nowadays, several skin-care products are marketed specifically for men. Often, the marketing is the only difference between the male and female versions, as the products themselves are actually the same, particularly with eye gels and other non-scented products.
Women, the male products are sometimes cheaper. Greatlooking hair is a sign of vitality, fertility, and health — several of the key things we look for at a primal level when selecting a mate. Preening is one of the key flirting signals.
Flirting for Dummies
Avoid clogging your hair up with products and wear it in a loose style so that you can play with it around the object of your desires. Go for the best colour treatment you can afford. Be clear about what you want and be open to taking advice from professionals. Ask for recommendations. Volume Fine, limp, or thin hair can be transformed with volumising shampoos and styling products.
Wash regularly with a cool rinse after a warm shampoo to create a glossy finish — making clean hair look more voluminous is easier and dirty hair emphasises thinness. Blow dry hair upside down to boost root volume and finish with a good hairspray. Quantity Experiencing thinning hair and baldness is on the increase in both sexes over 30 per cent of women will suffer. Trichologists medical specialists who deal with the hair and scalp agree that prevention is better than cure.
If your hair loss is hereditary, you can use minoxodil-based products available on the high street or from trichologists , which are effective in preventing further loss and can often reverse the process. For advice on your particular problem, visit www. Boosting Self-Confidence 67 Also consider taking a look at www. Nanofibres are tiny fibres that bind together electrostatically over a thinning or bald patch to cosmetically cover the area, and make an enormously effective cosmetic fix for disguising thinning hair.
If you need a temporary fix for example, in the case of women after childbirth suffering from temporary hair loss nanofibres can be a great confidence boost. Many people use this method on a daily basis, but the fix is only cosmetic and just disguises the problem without curing it. Scent Smell is the only sense that is processed directly by the brain, which makes it incredibly powerful. Smell is an evocative sense; consider smelling fresh coffee, baking bread, cut grass, hospitals, or bad breath — they all tend to evoke strong positive or negative feelings.
Wearing a seductive scent can make you irresistible and body odour can make you equally as repulsive. Using one perfume or aftershave for all occasions loses its potency. Key to making a scent work for you is associating it with a memory.
When downloading perfumes or aftershaves, never try more than a few at a time because your nose will be overwhelmed. Making Contact Clothes Being comfortable in your clothes, in the way they fit and their appropriateness for the occasion, is key to being able to wear them well and oozing confidence as you do so: Better to invest in a few good pieces than downloading a lot of cheap clothes. For example, heels on a woman not only give stature, they give shapely legs, too.
Go for what looks good on your body shape and that suits your style. Determine the image you want to create and dress the part. Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.
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Likewise, dress for the person you want to attract. Figure Inappropriate dress for social occasions. Boosting Self-Confidence 69 Figure Serious flirting wear for social occasions. Getting the right fit Men who wear their trousers too tight either haul them down under their stomach or hoick them up under their armpits.
Neither is a good look. Biting the bullet and downloading a bigger size until you lose the extra pounds is far better. Women who are uncomfortable wearing tight or short outfits spend the whole time clawing at them to try and achieve better coverage.
Many shop assistants will sell you anything to make the sale, but not only do you want your clothes to fit you properly, you want them to enhance your shape and style. You want your clothes to represent yourself at your best. Making Contact Accessorising The little things can often make a big difference.
Accessorise your outfit with items that are personal to you and reflect your personality. You feel more interesting showing a little bit of yourself and give people an opportunity to compliment you, building rapport and your confidence.
Accessorising is easier for women because a much larger range of accessories exists. Men, pick unusual or very high quality accessories, from watches and scarves to shoes and ties, to give yourself a confident self-assured air. Also, the type of shirt collar, the style of knot, and the choice of pattern is a way of accessorising to suit you. Creating the appearance of confidence is a very powerful flirting tool. To do this, think back to a time when you felt supremely confident and work out what it was about that situation that made you feel so good about yourself.
It was probably a combination of the way you looked and felt. Remembering all those great feelings and sensations can help inspire you to boost your confidence on a daily basis and in difficult situations. Drawing on that experience and convincing yourself that you can look and feel confident is a great skill.
Adopting a confident posture is a great outward sign of confidence, and pulling yourself up to your full height, keeping your eyes front and your head high, gives you an instant confidence makeover. When people react to you positively, it boosts your confidence from the inside and the confidence-cranking process begins. People like to be around confident people because it inspires confidence in them.
With increased confidence comes more friends, and greater professional success and satisfaction, too. Boosting Self-Confidence 71 A fine line exists between confidence and arrogance, which you have to be careful not to cross. Being bullish is more likely to alienate people and turn them off. At the opposite end of the spectrum, lack of confidence and assertiveness can lead not only to a lack of faith in you but also in your abilities.
Confident people are prepared to take risks whereas arrogant people often avoid risk taking, or if they do take risks they are quick to place the blame on others for their failure. Confident people bounce back from failures and can keep them in perspective. Overcoming confidence killers Quashing your own confidence is a bad habit to slip into and most of us inadvertently do it from time to time. Identifying the problem and stopping it reverses the process and your confidence bounces back to top form in no time.
Two sources of confidence killer exist: When someone pays you a compliment, do you accept it or blush, ignore it, or play it down? Accept it, is the right answer; any other response either shows a lack of compliment etiquette see Chapter 9 or a willingness to knock your own confidence.
Do you have a friend, relative, or colleague who has little digs at you, even in jest? Negative people are emotional vampires; they suck the vitality and confidence out of you.
Staying away from them or persuading them to modify their language and behaviour to be more positive are the only ways to deal with these people. If the person in question happens to be your best friend, then perhaps you need to put your friendly flirting skills to good use and find a new one.
Making Contact Not-so-lucky Lucy Lucy had just started at a new school.
Following a word with the teacher by her parents, the boy was moved. Using confident body language Stature is really important in conveying confidence. Lacking confidence. Boosting Self-Confidence 73 Instead, stand with your head up, shoulders back, stomach tucked in, bottom tucked under, and eyes straight ahead to look super confident — see Figure Eye contact is key to looking confident. Maintain eye contact to both look and feel more confident.
Oozing confidence. Sounding confident After your appearance, your tonality, or the sound of your voice, is the second biggest factor in creating your first impression. If you look great but talk in a high-pitched nasal whine, people will form a poor impression of you and your confidence will be dented. Talking very quietly when you first meet someone smacks of no or low confidence.
Barking at people in a loud voice can be construed as arrogance and a need to be the centre of attention. You need to be able to adjust your volume to suit the occasion. Making Contact Watch how people respond to you when you talk. Your internal volume control eventually adjusts to a louder setting.
You can also try playing with the volume of your voice to see how different people react. The impact might be to sound more menacing than angry. Making people listen The voice is a very powerful tool; when you talk you want people to listen. Instead, use your proximity and eye contact: The person doing the talking usually makes less eye contact, so you establish a more powerful connection by doing so.
Choose your conversation carefully; talking about something contentious may make you appear confrontational. Talking about an intimate subject can be very sexy. Making your voice sound attractive A well-rounded, modulated voice is the most attractive to listen to. Boosting Self-Confidence 75 Sounds right John was writing a letter to an important client and he asked Elizabeth for some help with the spelling.
When John saw the client, they pointed out all his spelling errors. He ranted at Elizabeth. Bemused, she offered the defence that she never claimed to know how to spell the words correctly. The voice is generated by a group of muscles, and like any muscle they need working on to be defined and strong.
Here are some ideas: Analyse the recording. Shallow breathers often sound raspy or rushed in long sentences and also take faster breaths when nervous or anxious, which can make them appear less confident or flustered.
By practising taking bigger, deeper, longer-lasting breaths you can gain more control over the length of sentences you can say and have a more stable-sounding voice. Avoid smoking! Your diaphragm drives the power in your voice.
Good posture is essential for creating a confident, well-projected not necessarily loud sound. Any slumping or sagging seriously affects how confident you sound. Making Contact Improve your diaphragmatic control by lying on your back with a large book placed over your abdomen. When you breathe in, take the breath right down through your lungs and into your stomach so your abdomen inflates and raises the book in the air; then let the air out slowly and make a long continuous note.
Try to keep the quality of the note constant all the way through the breath. The key to flirting success is taking a more strategic approach. Looking at the traditional flirting grounds as well as exploring some new ones, along with flirting blind, creates an abundance of opportunities for you to enjoy exploring as you develop your flirting prowess. The following sections list several of the places where you can find other singletons to flirt with.
Making Contact Hearts on fire Sam noticed a rather luscious man wandering around the building checking the extinguishers. A quick call to reception confirmed that he was a fireman doing an inspection. The combination of gorgeous and fireman was too much to resist. Unfortunately, the alarm was linked directly to the fire station and a whole crew arrived. Her friend meanwhile faced a disciplinary for setting off the alarm.
Take a break from the grind and have a mingle — you may improve more than your love life. For more information on how to flirt with colleagues, see Chapter 4. Flirting in bars Flirting in bars is generally easier than flirting in a supermarket or in church because people expect to be approached in this socially interactive environment. Keep these points in mind: Look for somewhere that has a mixed clientele, of your age demographic, and that has a reputation for being safe. Check out Chapter 19 for tips on how to stay safe when flirting.
After you choose the right venue, use all the tips in Chapter 7 on making an entrance to give yourself the heads up over your flirting rivals. Occasionally, regular commuters get talking and end up married, but you need to read the signs to tell whether someone wants to be spoken to or not.
Making Contact Barred from flirting Marc had given up on trying to flirt in bars; one minute nobody seemed available to flirt with, but the next, all the available women were spoken for. He always sat in a corner, with his back to the action.
Not only was he missing the available women, he was also making himself invisible and removing his presence from the flirting radar. By moving nearer the thick of things and facing outward, he instantly joined the flirting throng.
He was immediately able to spot people to flirt with and he was approached by people eager to flirt with him. Unlike bars, where people expect to be approached, someone may miss your subtle attempt at flirting in an unexpected situation, so catching their attention may take longer.
In these situations, the onus is upon you to act. Use eye contact and some of the other strategies outlined in Chapter 5, and the opportunities will present themselves. You may know of the idea that only six degrees of separation are present between you and everyone else on the planet. Flirting on the Internet The Internet is teeming with opportunities to meet people from all over the world.
Internet flirting is more adventurous and fast paced than face-to-face flirting for three reasons: Not knowing the area, they asked the taxi driver to drop them at a bar. They wandered in, decked up to the nines, to be greeted by a bar full of elderly gents with barely a set of teeth between them — and all mad keen to download them a drink.
Escaping across the road to another club, they realised the men were more beautifully made up than they were. A friendly chat with the doorman eventually led them away from the transvestite club and to the kind of venue frequented by the sort of men they did want to meet, and everyone had a great night.
Where to look Use an established site, such as www. If you use a social networking site, such as Facebook or MySpace, you can ask a friend to give you an online introduction to someone you like the look of on their page. If you work in human resources, for example, you can log on and join forums such as www. Professionals can contact other professionals on the www.
You can find forums and chatrooms on www. How to communicate Getting the language right is an art when it comes to online flirting.
If you type quickly, always proof read your message before posting it. Keep your online flirting light and fun. Humour is your greatest ally for online flirting. Offering the odd compliment on their picture or writing style is just as effective online as in the flesh.
Familiarise yourself with the safety tips in Chapter 19 before you launch your Internet flirting campaign. Flirting with available people yields a much higher success rate. To make that decision, you need to be able to tell how interested the other person is.
Assessing and tackling the stances people take People generally take one of four stances when being flirted with, as the following sections explain. In addition to describing the characteristics associated with these stances, I also provide strategies you can use for each type. Following the advice here will improve your flirting hit rate enormously. Flirting with a wallflower is slow work — they need your words and gestures to offer lots of encouragement and reassurance that you like them.
The fence sitter The fence sitter hangs on the periphery at social events, interjecting when he or she feels comfortable doing so. Fence sitters are fairly easy to flirt with, but beware of the following to make the flirt a successful one. Expressive facial language and subtle compliments are necessary to encourage the fence sitter to get the hint.
The egoist The egoist likes to be the centre of attention and for you to be hanging on their every word and reciprocating all their body language advances. Egoists are the easiest to flirt with and the quickest to strike up a rapport. Flirting with an egoist is easy. Give them lots of eye contact, let them do the talking as they enjoy the sound of their own voice, laugh at their jokes, and smile a lot.
The already-spoken-for Usually in a relationship already, this person may be happy to flirt without intent or may not flirt at all. Flirting may provide them with recognition, affection, excitement, and so on. Dressing to impress Being well dressed or better dressed than usual if you already know the person is a good indicator of intent. If the object of your desire is a woman, look for a curvy posture.
Women either cross their legs with the toe of their shoe pointing at the person they fancy, or dangle their shoe from their toe, as in Figure If they stand up, they place more of their weight on one leg than the other to create a curvy effect. In men, watch for drawing themselves up to their full height, with their legs apart, widening their stance, leading from the crotch, and possibly pointing their thumbs towards their crotch, as in Figure Both men and women put their shoulders back to expose their chests.
They may also raise their heads to expose the soft underside of the throat — exposing vulnerable areas of the body is provocative. Preening Playing with hair — stroking it down for men or tossing and playing with it for women — is a key sign of availability. Adjusting your clothes while looking at the other person, wetting, licking, or biting your lips, or putting objects or fingers in the mouth or self touching are also highly sexual see Figure Preening is unusual body language and thus attracts attention.
Male and female signals of availability. Girl mouth gesture. This move is a fairly slow scan of the room. Initially, do this from a distance in order to test the waters without risking a face-to-face rejection. Follow up this little routine with an eyebrow flash and a smile. You can now safely begin a face-to-face approach. Go to Chapter 7 for information on making the first move.
Guy grooming. They were a youngish group of contestants and refused to believe that eye contact was the most effective way to make contact with someone you want to flirt with.
Ideally, agencies take the legwork out of the process and present you with a selection of potentially perfect candidates for your affections.
Flirting for Dummies
Check out the tips in Chapter 19 to ensure you play safe. When you have decided to change your life in the right way, it is important to find the right way through which the best in flirting can be, which includes being creative in the kind of text messages or instant texts you share. How to flirt over text is sort of a new phenomenon that has come with the advent of the online community and internet services.
It is has given many people the chance to have something that makes them live in ways making them enjoy flirting and exchanging messages enough to endear them to each other. This is one of the dimensions that flirting over text takes, and it is one of the issues you need to remember if you are used to flirt online. When you are involved in flirting online the art of how to flirt over text will forever be crucial in every communication you make. The person you are flirting to is communicated through this channel, since you cannot see him or her.
On the other hand, the case of flirting using texts also takes place on the phone. You have the chance to flirt win the girl of your choice or the man you have liked through sending short messages via a cell phone. It is one of the most convenient ways of flirting since a person can do it from anywhere, even overseas. You can use it to reach your girlfriend and seduce her by sending flirty texts.Being funny is a type of flirting, too. Pick-up lines are usually really awkward or sound very old on purpose.
To be able to flirt spontaneously, you need to work on changing your motivation. Naturally, people are going to be attracted to you if you demonstrate all the key flirting signals, but in friendly proportions. Go for the best colour treatment you can afford. If you go in too hot too quickly, you may come across as over-eager. Obviously not every flirtation is going to go exactly to plan, but learning from your errors is all part of the process. Making an Entrance. To get out and get flirting, you need to challenge your constraints and gather your motivation.
Control underwear can improve posture in both men and women.
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